Becoming Brother Zachariah
by Kyepie05
Summary: "Heroes endure because we need them to." Jem Carstairs didn't have to chose the life of the Brotherhood but he did and these are his thoughts in his last hours before it happened.


**So, I was reading Clockwork Princess for like the fifth time and something really hit me and it's a quote I'll use in the beginning here. But after Jem's attack after the worm battle, he and Tessa were talking about Will and what he said about being a hero. Jem stated that Will was looking at it from a hero's point of view, that anyone else would love to be a hero. And Tessa said that Jem was acting like he wasn't one. But becoming a Silent Brother was the ultimate act of selflessness and bravery. He gave up everything, love, laughter, music, for the people he loved, to keep them safe. He _endured because they needed him_. And that's what he said heroes did. **

** So anyway I wrote this because I wanted to write something on Jem and his heroism. I got major inspiration from the song _Come Away to the_ **_**Water**_** by Maroon 5. You should check it out. I know it's a Hunger Games song but I thought it fit Jem becoming Brother Zachariah perfectly. **

**Well, I hope you enjoy this!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. I don't own any of the characters or quotes. I don't own the song Come Away to the Water.**

"_Heroes endure because we need them. Not for their own sakes."_

"_You speak of them as if you were not one."_

Jem turned his head away from the box on his bedside table and closed his eyes. Had it helped? He liked to think so. It wasn't anyone's fault but his own that he was in this situation now. He had tripled his dose. He had not told anyone. He had made the sacrifice. Everything hurt and his ribs ached from coughing but he did not feel the pain that he had always imagined he would feel at this point.

More than anything, he felt tired. He had to fight off the sleepiness that was threatening to overtake him. If this was it, if this was really it, he had to be awake for these last few moments. He let out a slow breath as he looked around the room. It was his room, it had been his room for a long time. Soon there would be nothing left of him in it. This was the last time he would lay in this bed.

He closed his eyes and imagined that he was at the table for breakfast, hearing the loud chatter of everyone around him. He imagined that he could hear Will and Jessamine fighting, he imagined Charlotte asking Henry to come back to Earth. How he would miss it. If he had known that the last meal with them would have been the last, he would have savored it more.

He'd always tried to appreciate things more than most but you could never really be prepared for something like this. His breath caught uncomfortably in his throat as he wished desperately to hear Will's laugh one more time. He wished to hear everything just once more. Just once more.

He stroked the cat laying beside him and thought of the good-byes he had just gone through. Charlotte would be the last. She would be here when Brother Enoch came for him. She would hold his hand until she could not any longer. He had thought that he was old enough that he did not need someone like Charlotte to hold his hand through something scary or hard but now he knew that he had been wrong.

They would be lost without Charlotte, every one of them. She was too young to be burdened with so much but she did it without complaint. They were more than just her wards, they were her family. She loved each of them, Jem had always known it. He only wished that he had told her how much she was loved by each of them. He feared that she did not know it. He had to trust that she did and that if she did not she would learn it. This decision was to help her as well.

At least he would be able to see the baby.

His breath caught painfully in his throat. His mind was made up but there was still a small part of him that wanted to die. He was exhausted and he had been fighting an endless battle for six years now. He'd wanted to be there for everyone else, afraid of what would happen to them, to Will in particular, if he was gone. But Will would be okay now and so would Tessa. They would have each other.

No one would blame him if he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. He could see the sun again, he could laugh again, maybe he would even be able to play his violin again. But if he went through with this those things would not happen for him. Yes, he would see the sun but he would not feel the sun. He did not want this, not for himself. He would rather be set free than imprisoned.

The thought of imprisonment sent his thoughts spiraling to a conversation with Will quite a few months ago, before Tessa had come to them. Will had been acting out as usual and Jem had gently told him to go easy on Charlotte to which Will had said "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will."

"It's Jane Eyre, James,"Will had sighed dramatically at Jem's raised eyebrows. "And it has truth to it, don't you think?"

Jem gripped the sheets tightly, as if he could block out the memories and the thoughts. His independent will was something he was about to lose. Worse than that, he feared that he was about to lose himself. He sucked in a breath before letting it out slowly. It hurt his lungs to do so. Deep breaths hurt and he knew that was no good sign.

Death was beckoning to him and it was earned. Yes, he hated the idea of falling to this illness but the idea of being a Silent Brother was not welcoming. And yet…

Tessa's warm, rich laugh echoed in his mind and he could see her blushing face in his mind's eye.

He thought of Will when they had first met, rough, alone, horrible with knives. He thought of Will now, strong, skilled with knives, embraced by family. He hoped he had something to do with that.

He thought back to Charlotte and Henry welcoming him when he had first arrived. He thought of Charlotte's warm eyes and hopelessness the first time he had gotten sick. He thought of Henry trying to make him laugh right after the attack had ended.

He found himself remembering Jessie even. She was so bitter and angry. Jem had seen goodness in her, as he had with Will, and tried to get it out. Jessamine had only grown angrier with him as he did it. By the end, he had begun to lose patience with her. He regretted it now.

He remembered when Sophie had come to the Institute. She had been so quiet and reserved. It was as if she were afraid of everything, the complete opposite of Will and Jessie. Jem had been as kind to her as he could be, had tried to show her that not everyone was cruel. He hoped that maybe he had helped. He liked to think that they were friends. Sophie seemed to always care or have a kind smile when he needed it most.

He thought of the cat laying beside him. Church had bonded with him immediately, there was no question in anyone's mind of who he belonged to. He was Jem's cat. What would happen to him now? Would he attach himself to someone else? Jem hoped so. Church needed someone, whether he acted like it or not. He would miss him.

Last of all, his thoughts flicked back to Will, who had searched so desperately for a cure for him, and Tessa, who had asked him about being a vampire or a Silent Brother to survive. He had told her that the path was not open to him and even if it was he would not want it. _"It is not much of a life they have, the Silent_ Brothers," he had said,_ "shadows and darkness, silence and- no music. And besides, I do not wish to live forever." _It was still true, although now...

He would do anything in the world for them, anything in the world to keep them safe. He could not help them if he passed through to another life. He could not help them if he continued on the wheel. He could only help them if he stayed behind.

_Kwan Yin stayed behind,_ he reminded himself. _When she died and reached the gates of paradise, she heard the cries of anguish from the humans and stayed to help them instead._

_But I am not Kwan Yin_. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the pillows. _I am no hero._

_Maybe I'm not a hero. But I can be all I can for them. I have to do what I can._

There was a knock at the door and Jem opened his eyes, turning his head to the door as Charlotte entered. Her cheeks were tear stained and her eyes were red. He felt a small, sad smile play at his lips and hoped that it didn't look as weak as it felt, as weak as _he_ felt.

"How are you?" she asked quietly, sitting in the chair beside his bed.

_Tired. Scared. Exhausted. Terrified._ Instead of saying any of these, he just kept the smile on his face and said, "I could be worse." How could he be any worse though, really? But that was the last thing Charlotte needed to hear. "Are they here?"

"They're outside." Her voice broke and Jem felt his heartbeat pick up its pace. "They're giving us a moment." He nodded his head slowly, unsure if he could trust himself to speak or not. "Oh, Jem, I am so sorry."

"For what?" He met her gaze, alarmed. "Charlotte, you have nothing to be sorry for. It is not your fault that I am sick. It is not your fault that it has come to this. None of this is your fault. You have done all you could for us. You have to know that."

Charlotte's eyes were full of tears. "Jem, I-" She broke off, looking as if she did not know the words to use. Jem knew the feeling.

"Charlotte," he said quietly. "You will always be my family." At that, Charlotte fell into tears, resting her head in her crossed arms on the bed. "You have always taken care of me. Of all of us. Thank you."

"It was my pleasure," Charlotte whispered. She lifted her head and wiped her face with her hands. She looked at him for a long moment after she had gathered herself before asking, "Are you ready?"

He nodded his head. "I am." _No, I'm not,_ he wanted to say. _How can you be ready to immerse yourself into total darkness? _All he wanted was to be a child again. He wanted those first few days at the Institute back. He wanted to be new to everything but to have that overwhelming feeling of safety, the one that he had never thought he'd have again.

Charlotte looked at him sadly and in that moment it was obvious that she was sad for him as well. "Thank you for-" She broke off and shook her head, getting to her feet. "For everything. Thank you for everything, James Carstairs."

Jem looked at her sadly, afraid that if he spoke his voice would betray him. Finally, he tried it. "Thank you," he said quietly. She gave him a small but encouraging smile and then opened the door. As the Silent Brothers swept in, Jem looked to Charlotte once more for the last bit of encouragement he needed.

And he found it.

It was time.

**_Come away little light_**

**_Come away to the darkness_**

**_In the shade of the night we'll come looking for you_**

**_Come away little light_**

**_Come away to the darkness_**

**_To the ones appointed to see it through_**

**_We are calling for you_**

**_We are coming for you_**

_-Come Away to the Darkness, Maroon 5_


End file.
